fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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