Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize