Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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