I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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