So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
