It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
