ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
