I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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