I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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