I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
