my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You are the jesus of drinking
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
