my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
