put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
