our cab driver is having phone sex.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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