thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
