90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
