that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
