she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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