Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
