Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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