a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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