it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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