It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
