Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
