How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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