i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
