I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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