Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize