Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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