Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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