rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
