i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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