I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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