I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
