I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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