So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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