On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
