we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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