Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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