i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize