Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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