Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
