My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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