Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
