why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
