i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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