i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
