So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
