Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
