turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
