That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She announced her abortion via fbk
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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