I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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