WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
