Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
