Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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